After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a 'gripe sheet,' which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then the pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual complaints submitted by the UPS pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.

By the way, UPS is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to: straighten-up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
And the best one for last................

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

SOOO funny! I was in the Navy reserves for ten years and I worked in Maintenance Control, the heart of the aircraft maintenance department. I used to hear all the "gripes" - the pilots, air crew, maintenance people would fill out the Gripe Sheet and I'd send it to the appropriate shop (electronics, electrical, paraloft, mechs, etc.).

One of the funniest things I remember is this frustrated pilot who came in and grabbed a MAF (Maintenance Action Form) or gripe sheet. He stared at it awhile then looked at me and asked, "Why do I have to use two pencils to fill this out?"

I didn't understand what he was talking about so I asked him to show me what he wanted cleared up. Under the instructions he pointed to: Please Use #2 Pencil!

It was really hard to explain that one with a straight face!