If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced
enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it.)
The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to
squirt blood 30 feet.
(O.M.G.!)
A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)
A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to
death. (Creepy.)
(I'm still not over the pig.)
Banging you r head against a wall uses 150 calories a hour
(Don't try this at home, maybe at work)
The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to
its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
(Honey, I'm home. What the...?!)
The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping
the length of a football field.
(30 minutes..lucky pig! Can you imagine?)
The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)
Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)
Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know.)
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hmmmmmm......)
Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed
people.
(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)
Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
(Okay, so that would be a good thing)
A cat's urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)
Starfish have no brains
(I know some people like that too. )
Polar bears are left-handed.
(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer)
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(What about that pig??)
Full Version: Jokes
Brunettes and Blondes
Two bowling teams, one of all Blondes and one of all
Brunettes, charter a double-decker bus for a weekend
gambling trip to Louisiana. The Brunette team rode on
the bottom of the bus, and the Blonde team rode on the
top
level. The Brunette team down below really whooped it
up, having a great time, when one of them realized she
hadn't heard anything from the Blondes upstairs. She
decided to go up and investigate. When the Brunette
reached the top, she found all the Blondes frozen in
fear, staring straight ahead at the road, clutching
the seats in front of them with white knuckles. The
brunette asked, "What the heck's going on up here?
We're having a great time downstairs!"
One of the Blondes looked up at her, swallowed hard
and whispered.......YEAH, BUT YOU'VE GOT A DRIVER!
Two bowling teams, one of all Blondes and one of all
Brunettes, charter a double-decker bus for a weekend
gambling trip to Louisiana. The Brunette team rode on
the bottom of the bus, and the Blonde team rode on the
top
level. The Brunette team down below really whooped it
up, having a great time, when one of them realized she
hadn't heard anything from the Blondes upstairs. She
decided to go up and investigate. When the Brunette
reached the top, she found all the Blondes frozen in
fear, staring straight ahead at the road, clutching
the seats in front of them with white knuckles. The
brunette asked, "What the heck's going on up here?
We're having a great time downstairs!"
One of the Blondes looked up at her, swallowed hard
and whispered.......YEAH, BUT YOU'VE GOT A DRIVER!
Good one Liz. 
THIS IS TOO SWEET FOR WORDS!!!
A six-year-old boy told his father he wanted to marry the little girl across the street. The father, being modern and well-schooled in handling children, hid his smile behind his hand.
"That's a serious step," he said. "Have you thought it out completely?"
"Yes," his young son answered. "We can spend one week in my room and the next in hers. It's right across the street, so I can run home if I get scared of the dark."
"How about transportation?" the father asked.
"I have my wagon, and we both have our tricycles," the little boy answered.
The boy had an answer to every question the father raised.
Finally, in exasperation, his dad asked, "What about babies? When you're married, you're liable to have babies, you know."
"We've thought about that, too," the little boy replied.
"We're not going to have babies. Every time she lays an egg, I'm going to step on it.
A six-year-old boy told his father he wanted to marry the little girl across the street. The father, being modern and well-schooled in handling children, hid his smile behind his hand.
"That's a serious step," he said. "Have you thought it out completely?"
"Yes," his young son answered. "We can spend one week in my room and the next in hers. It's right across the street, so I can run home if I get scared of the dark."
"How about transportation?" the father asked.
"I have my wagon, and we both have our tricycles," the little boy answered.
The boy had an answer to every question the father raised.
Finally, in exasperation, his dad asked, "What about babies? When you're married, you're liable to have babies, you know."
"We've thought about that, too," the little boy replied.
"We're not going to have babies. Every time she lays an egg, I'm going to step on it.
ZEN SARCASM
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for
I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me alone.
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tire.
3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your
neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
5. Always remember that you're unique. Just like every! one els e.
6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
7. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car
payments.
8. Before you criticize someone, y ou should walk a mile in their shoes. That
way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
9. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he
will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
11. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was
probably worth it.
12. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
13. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.
14. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
15. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back
in your pocket.
16. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
17. D uct tape is like 'The Force'. It has a light side and a dark side, and it
holds the universe together.
18. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
19 Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.
20. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
21. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
22. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the
same night
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for
I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me alone.
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tire.
3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your
neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
5. Always remember that you're unique. Just like every! one els e.
6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
7. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car
payments.
8. Before you criticize someone, y ou should walk a mile in their shoes. That
way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
9. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he
will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
11. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was
probably worth it.
12. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
13. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.
14. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
15. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back
in your pocket.
16. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
17. D uct tape is like 'The Force'. It has a light side and a dark side, and it
holds the universe together.
18. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
19 Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.
20. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
21. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
22. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the
same night
I really enjoyed reading all the jokes. They were great, thanks.
The Bathtub Test :
It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time, and this should help get you started.
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"
DID YOU PASS THE TEST? OR DO YOU WANT THE BED NEXT TO MINE?
It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time, and this should help get you started.
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"
DID YOU PASS THE TEST? OR DO YOU WANT THE BED NEXT TO MINE?
What is the sound?
A man is driving down the road and his car breaks down near a monastery.
He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?" The Monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. A sound not like anything he's ever heard before.
The Sirens that nearly seduced Odysseus into crashing his ship comes to his mind.
He doesn't sleep that night. He tosses and turns trying to figure out what could possibly be making such an intriguing and seductive sound.
The next morning, he asks the Monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."
Distraught, the man is forced to leave. Years later, after never being able to forget that sound, the
man goes back to the monastery and pleads for the answer again.
The Monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a Monk."
The man says, "If the only way I can find out what is making that beautiful sound is to become a Monk, then please, make me a Monk."
The Monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of grains of sand. When you find these answers, you will have become a Monk."
The man sets about his task.
After years of searching he returns as a gray-haired old man and knocks on the door of the monastery. A Monk answers. He is taken before a gathering of all the Monks.
"In my quest to find what makes that beautiful sound, I traveled the earth and have found what you asked for: By design, the world is in a state of perpetual change. Only God knows what you ask. All a man can know is himself, and only then if he is honest and reflective and willing to strip away self deception."
The Monks reply, "Congratulations. You have become a Monk. We shall now show you the way to the mystery of the sacred sound."
The Monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is beyond that door."
The Monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door- it is made of stone.
The man is given the key to the stone door and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby.
And so it went that he needed keys to doors of emerald, pearl and diamond.
Finally, they come to a door made of solid gold. The sound has become very clear and definite. The Monks say, "This is the last key to the last door."
The man is apprehensive to no end. His life's wish is behind that door! With trembling hands, he unlocks the door, turns the knob, and slowly pushes the door open. Falling to his knees, he is utterly amazed to discover the source of that haunting and seductive sound......
Sorry.........., I can't tell you what it is because you're not a Monk.
A man is driving down the road and his car breaks down near a monastery.
He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?" The Monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. A sound not like anything he's ever heard before.
The Sirens that nearly seduced Odysseus into crashing his ship comes to his mind.
He doesn't sleep that night. He tosses and turns trying to figure out what could possibly be making such an intriguing and seductive sound.
The next morning, he asks the Monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."
Distraught, the man is forced to leave. Years later, after never being able to forget that sound, the
man goes back to the monastery and pleads for the answer again.
The Monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a Monk."
The man says, "If the only way I can find out what is making that beautiful sound is to become a Monk, then please, make me a Monk."
The Monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of grains of sand. When you find these answers, you will have become a Monk."
The man sets about his task.
After years of searching he returns as a gray-haired old man and knocks on the door of the monastery. A Monk answers. He is taken before a gathering of all the Monks.
"In my quest to find what makes that beautiful sound, I traveled the earth and have found what you asked for: By design, the world is in a state of perpetual change. Only God knows what you ask. All a man can know is himself, and only then if he is honest and reflective and willing to strip away self deception."
The Monks reply, "Congratulations. You have become a Monk. We shall now show you the way to the mystery of the sacred sound."
The Monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is beyond that door."
The Monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door- it is made of stone.
The man is given the key to the stone door and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby.
And so it went that he needed keys to doors of emerald, pearl and diamond.
Finally, they come to a door made of solid gold. The sound has become very clear and definite. The Monks say, "This is the last key to the last door."
The man is apprehensive to no end. His life's wish is behind that door! With trembling hands, he unlocks the door, turns the knob, and slowly pushes the door open. Falling to his knees, he is utterly amazed to discover the source of that haunting and seductive sound......
Sorry.........., I can't tell you what it is because you're not a Monk.
Thought you might enjoy an afternoon chuckle!
UCLA STUDY (very interesting and short)
A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that
the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending
on where she is in her menstrual cycle.
For example: If she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged
and masculine features. However, if she is menstruating or menopausal,
she tends to be more attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth
and a spear lodged in his forehead while he is on fire.
No further studies are expected.
UCLA STUDY (very interesting and short)
A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that
the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending
on where she is in her menstrual cycle.
For example: If she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged
and masculine features. However, if she is menstruating or menopausal,
she tends to be more attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth
and a spear lodged in his forehead while he is on fire.
No further studies are expected.
Only In New York
A young woman in New York was so depressed that she decided to end her
life by throwing herself into the ocean.
She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the frigid water
when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the pier,
crying.
He took pity on her and said, "Look, you've got alot to live for. I'm
off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my
ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day."
Moving closer, he slipped his arm round her shoulder and added, "I'll
keep you happy and you'll keep me happy."
The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose? Maybe a
fresh start in Europe would give her life new meaning. That night the
sailor smuggled her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat.
From then on, every night he took her three sandwiches and a piece of
fruit and they made passionate love! Until dawn. Three weeks later,
during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the captain.
"What are you doing there?" the captain asked.
"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors,"she explained.
"I get food and a trip to Europe, and he's screwing me."
"He sure is, lady," the captain said.
"This is the Staten Island Ferry."
A young woman in New York was so depressed that she decided to end her
life by throwing herself into the ocean.
She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the frigid water
when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the pier,
crying.
He took pity on her and said, "Look, you've got alot to live for. I'm
off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my
ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day."
Moving closer, he slipped his arm round her shoulder and added, "I'll
keep you happy and you'll keep me happy."
The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose? Maybe a
fresh start in Europe would give her life new meaning. That night the
sailor smuggled her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat.
From then on, every night he took her three sandwiches and a piece of
fruit and they made passionate love! Until dawn. Three weeks later,
during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the captain.
"What are you doing there?" the captain asked.
"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors,"she explained.
"I get food and a trip to Europe, and he's screwing me."
"He sure is, lady," the captain said.
"This is the Staten Island Ferry."
'Glad you like them will look for more later
Joke for the day. Enjoy!
A guy breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you." To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck dear. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"
A guy breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you." To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck dear. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"
HA! Thanks Beryl!
Just came in from CA
Subject: Drunk Steve
After a night of drinking, Steve crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep.
He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.
When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe.
"Who the hell are you?" demanded Steve, "and what are you doing in my bedroom?"
The mysterious Man answered, "This isn't your bedroom and I'm St. Peter".
Steve was stunned, "You mean I'm dead!!! That can't be, I have so much too live for,
I haven't said goodbye to my family.. You've got to send me back Right away".
St Peter replied, "Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a catch.
We can only send you back as a dog or a hen."
Steve was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen.
A flash of light later, he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground. "This ain't so
bad" he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.
The farmyard rooster strolled over and said, "So you're the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?"
"It's not so bad," replies Steve, "but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode".
"You're ovulating," explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've never laid an egg before."
"Never," replies Steve. "Well just relax and let it happen." And so he did and after a few uncomfortable
seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his
emotions got the Better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time. When he laid his second
egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that Being reincarnated as a hen was the best
thing that had happened to him ever!!!
The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous smack on the back of
his head and heard his wife shouting, "Steve, wake up you drunken bastard, you're shittin' in the bed!
After a night of drinking, Steve crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep.
He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.
When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe.
"Who the hell are you?" demanded Steve, "and what are you doing in my bedroom?"
The mysterious Man answered, "This isn't your bedroom and I'm St. Peter".
Steve was stunned, "You mean I'm dead!!! That can't be, I have so much too live for,
I haven't said goodbye to my family.. You've got to send me back Right away".
St Peter replied, "Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a catch.
We can only send you back as a dog or a hen."
Steve was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen.
A flash of light later, he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground. "This ain't so
bad" he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.
The farmyard rooster strolled over and said, "So you're the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?"
"It's not so bad," replies Steve, "but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode".
"You're ovulating," explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've never laid an egg before."
"Never," replies Steve. "Well just relax and let it happen." And so he did and after a few uncomfortable
seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his
emotions got the Better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time. When he laid his second
egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that Being reincarnated as a hen was the best
thing that had happened to him ever!!!
The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous smack on the back of
his head and heard his wife shouting, "Steve, wake up you drunken bastard, you're shittin' in the bed!
VICTORIA’S SECRET
A husband walks into Victoria’s Secret to purchase some sheer lingerie for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price, the more sheer, the higher the price. He opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500 and takes the lingerie home. He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on and model it for him.
Upstairs, the wife thinks, “I have an idea. It’s so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won’t put it on, do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow and keep the $500 refund for myself.” So she appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.
The husband says, “Good Lord! You’d think that for $500, they’d at least iron it!”
He never heard the shot.
The funeral is on Thursday
In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman who was waiting for a bus was wearing a tight mini skirt. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.
Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step, and, once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg.
With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to make the step.
About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.
She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"
The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends."
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.
Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step, and, once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg.
With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to make the step.
About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.
She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"
The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends."
Ever wondered what happens when Hallmark writers are having a bad day........
////////////////////////
My tire was thumping.
I thought it was flat
When I looked at the tire...
I noticed your cat.
Sorry!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Looking back over the years
that we've been together,
I can't help but wonder...
"What the hell was I thinking?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Congratulations on your wedding day!
Too bad no one likes your husband.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
How could two people as beautiful as you
Have such an ugly baby?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I've always wanted to have
someone to hold,
someone to love.
After having met you ..
I've changed my mind.
---------------------------------------------------------
I must admit, you brought Religion into my life.
I never believed in Hell until I met you.
////////////////////////////////////////////////
As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...
That you're not here to ruin it for me.
################################################
Congratulations on your promotion.
Before you go...
Would you like to take this knife out of my back?
You'll probably need it again.
********************************************************************************
Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!
(Available only in Tennessee , Kentucky & West Virginia )
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Happy birthday! You look great for your age.
Almost Lifelike!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When we were together,
you always said you'd die for me.
Now that we've broken up,
I think it's time you kept your promise.
//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
We have been friends for a very long time ..
let's say we stop?
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
I'm so miserable without you
it's almost like you're here.
=====================================================
Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.
Did you ever find out who the father was?
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
Your friends and I wanted to do
something special for your birthday.
So we're having you put to sleep.
))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
So your daughter's a hooker,
and it spoiled your day.
Look at the bright side,
it's really good pay.
////////////////////////
My tire was thumping.
I thought it was flat
When I looked at the tire...
I noticed your cat.
Sorry!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Looking back over the years
that we've been together,
I can't help but wonder...
"What the hell was I thinking?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Congratulations on your wedding day!
Too bad no one likes your husband.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
How could two people as beautiful as you
Have such an ugly baby?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I've always wanted to have
someone to hold,
someone to love.
After having met you ..
I've changed my mind.
---------------------------------------------------------
I must admit, you brought Religion into my life.
I never believed in Hell until I met you.
////////////////////////////////////////////////
As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...
That you're not here to ruin it for me.
################################################
Congratulations on your promotion.
Before you go...
Would you like to take this knife out of my back?
You'll probably need it again.
********************************************************************************
Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!
(Available only in Tennessee , Kentucky & West Virginia )
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Happy birthday! You look great for your age.
Almost Lifelike!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When we were together,
you always said you'd die for me.
Now that we've broken up,
I think it's time you kept your promise.
//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
We have been friends for a very long time ..
let's say we stop?
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
I'm so miserable without you
it's almost like you're here.
=====================================================
Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.
Did you ever find out who the father was?
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
Your friends and I wanted to do
something special for your birthday.
So we're having you put to sleep.
))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
So your daughter's a hooker,
and it spoiled your day.
Look at the bright side,
it's really good pay.
How old am I?
A woman decides to have a facelift for her 60th birthday. She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?" "About 32," is the reply. "Nope! I'm exactly 60," the woman says happily. A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question. The girl replies, "I'd guess about 29." The woman replies with a big smile, "Nope, I'm 60." Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question.
The clerk responds, "Oh, I'd say 30." Again she proudly responds, "I'm 60, but thank you!" While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.
He replies, "I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young, there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are."
They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her. She finally blurts out, "What the hell, go ahead." He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other. After a couple of minutes of this, she says, "Okay, okay... How old am I?" He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, "Madam, you are 60." Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible, how could you tell?" The old man says, "Promise you won't get mad?" "I promise I won't, " she says. "I was behind you in McDonald's."
A woman decides to have a facelift for her 60th birthday. She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?" "About 32," is the reply. "Nope! I'm exactly 60," the woman says happily. A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question. The girl replies, "I'd guess about 29." The woman replies with a big smile, "Nope, I'm 60." Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question.
The clerk responds, "Oh, I'd say 30." Again she proudly responds, "I'm 60, but thank you!" While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.
He replies, "I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young, there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are."
They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her. She finally blurts out, "What the hell, go ahead." He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other. After a couple of minutes of this, she says, "Okay, okay... How old am I?" He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, "Madam, you are 60." Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible, how could you tell?" The old man says, "Promise you won't get mad?" "I promise I won't, " she says. "I was behind you in McDonald's."
An old biker on a summer ride in the country, walks into a
tavern and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads:
CHEESEBURGER: $1.50
CHICKEN SANDWICH : $2.50
HANDJOB: $10.00
Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar
and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive women
serving drinks to a group of local farmers.
'Yes?' she inquires with a knowing smile, ' can I help you?'
'I was wondering,' whispers the biker, 'are you the young lady who
gives the hand-jobs?'
'Yes,' she purrs, 'I am.'
The old biker replies, 'Well ... wash your hands, I want a cheeseburger.
tavern and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads:
CHEESEBURGER: $1.50
CHICKEN SANDWICH : $2.50
HANDJOB: $10.00
Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar
and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive women
serving drinks to a group of local farmers.
'Yes?' she inquires with a knowing smile, ' can I help you?'
'I was wondering,' whispers the biker, 'are you the young lady who
gives the hand-jobs?'
'Yes,' she purrs, 'I am.'
The old biker replies, 'Well ... wash your hands, I want a cheeseburger.
I want to live my next life backwards:
You start out dead and get that out of the way.
Then you wake up in a nursing home feeling better every day.
Then you get kicked out for being too healthy.
Enjoy your retirement and collect your pension.
Then when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.
You work 40 years until you're too young to work.
You get ready for High School : drink alcohol, party, and you're generally promiscuous.
Then you go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, and you have no responsibilities.
Then you become a baby, and then...
You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, in Spa-like conditions - central heating, room service on tap, and then...
You finish off as an Orgasm.
I rest my case.
Mike was going to be married to Karen so his father
sat him down for a little chat.
He said, "Mike, let me tell you something. On my wedding night in our
honeymoon suite, I took off my pants, handed them to your mother, and
said "Here - try these on". She did and said, "These are too big. I
can't wear them." I replied, "Exactly. I wear the pants in this family
and I always will. "Ever since that night, we have never had any
problems. "Hmmm," said Mike. He thought that might be a good thing to
try. On his honeymoon, Mike took off his pants and said to Karen "Here
- try these on. "She tried them on and said, "These are too large. They
don't fit me". Mike said, "Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and
I always will. I don't want you to ever forget that. "Then Karen took
off her pants and handed them to Mike. She said, "Here - you try on
mine." He did and said, "I can't get into your pants. "Karen said,
"Exactly. And if you don't change your smart-ass attitude, you never
will."
sat him down for a little chat.
He said, "Mike, let me tell you something. On my wedding night in our
honeymoon suite, I took off my pants, handed them to your mother, and
said "Here - try these on". She did and said, "These are too big. I
can't wear them." I replied, "Exactly. I wear the pants in this family
and I always will. "Ever since that night, we have never had any
problems. "Hmmm," said Mike. He thought that might be a good thing to
try. On his honeymoon, Mike took off his pants and said to Karen "Here
- try these on. "She tried them on and said, "These are too large. They
don't fit me". Mike said, "Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and
I always will. I don't want you to ever forget that. "Then Karen took
off her pants and handed them to Mike. She said, "Here - you try on
mine." He did and said, "I can't get into your pants. "Karen said,
"Exactly. And if you don't change your smart-ass attitude, you never
will."
23rd Psalm"
A mom was concerned about her kindergarten
son walking to school. He didn't want his
mother to walk with him. She wanted to give
him the feeling that he had some independence
but yet know that he was safe.
So she had an idea of how to handle it. She
asked a neighbor if she would please follow
him to school in the mornings, staying at a
distance, so he probably wouldn't notice her.
She said that since she was up early with her
toddler anyway, it would be a good way for them
to get some exercise as well, so she agreed.
The next school day, the neighbor and her little
girl set out following behind Timmy as he walked
to school with another neighbor boy he knew.
She did this for the whole week.
As the boys walked and chatted, kicking stones
and twigs, Timmy's little friend noticed the same
lady was following them as she seemed to do
every day all week. Finally he said to Timmy,
"Have you noticed that lady following us to school
all week? Do you know her?"
Timmy nonchalantly replied, "Yeah, I know who
she is."
The friend said, "Well, who is she?"
"That's just Shirley Goodnest," Timmy replied,
"and her daughter Marcy."
"Shirley Goodnest? Who the heck is she and
why is she following us? "
"Well," Timmy explained, "every night my Mom
makes me say the 23rd Psalm with my prayers,
'cuz she worries about me so much. And in the
Psalm, it says, 'Shirley Goodnest and Marcy shall
follow me all the days of my life',
So I guess I'll just have to get used to it!"
A mom was concerned about her kindergarten
son walking to school. He didn't want his
mother to walk with him. She wanted to give
him the feeling that he had some independence
but yet know that he was safe.
So she had an idea of how to handle it. She
asked a neighbor if she would please follow
him to school in the mornings, staying at a
distance, so he probably wouldn't notice her.
She said that since she was up early with her
toddler anyway, it would be a good way for them
to get some exercise as well, so she agreed.
The next school day, the neighbor and her little
girl set out following behind Timmy as he walked
to school with another neighbor boy he knew.
She did this for the whole week.
As the boys walked and chatted, kicking stones
and twigs, Timmy's little friend noticed the same
lady was following them as she seemed to do
every day all week. Finally he said to Timmy,
"Have you noticed that lady following us to school
all week? Do you know her?"
Timmy nonchalantly replied, "Yeah, I know who
she is."
The friend said, "Well, who is she?"
"That's just Shirley Goodnest," Timmy replied,
"and her daughter Marcy."
"Shirley Goodnest? Who the heck is she and
why is she following us? "
"Well," Timmy explained, "every night my Mom
makes me say the 23rd Psalm with my prayers,
'cuz she worries about me so much. And in the
Psalm, it says, 'Shirley Goodnest and Marcy shall
follow me all the days of my life',
So I guess I'll just have to get used to it!"
Words with two Meanings
1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female...... Any part under a car's hood.
Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.
2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male.... Playing football without a cup.
3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.
4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female.... A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.
5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.
6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female.... An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.
Male...... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.
7. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.
AND;
He said .. . . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said . . .You wear pants don't you?
He said . . Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said . That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!
He said .. ... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said . .....Turn sideways and look in the mirror!
He said .. . How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
She said .. . We don't know; it has never happened.
He said . .. . Why are married women heavier than single women?
She said . . . Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female...... Any part under a car's hood.
Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.
2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male.... Playing football without a cup.
3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.
4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female.... A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.
5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.
6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female.... An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.
Male...... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.
7. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.
AND;
He said .. . . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said . . .You wear pants don't you?
He said . . Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said . That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!
He said .. ... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said . .....Turn sideways and look in the mirror!
He said .. . How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
She said .. . We don't know; it has never happened.
He said . .. . Why are married women heavier than single women?
She said . . . Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
T-G-I-F or S-H-I-T.
A businessman got on an elevator. When he entered, there was a blonde already inside who greeted him with a bright, "T-G-I-F."
He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T."
She looked puzzled and repeated, "T-G-I-F," more slowly.
He again answered, "S-H-I-T."
The blonde was trying to keep it friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile and said as sweetly as possibly, "T-G-I-F."
The man smiled back to her and once again said, "S-H-I-T."
The exasperated blonde finally decided to explain. "
'T-G-I-F' means 'Thank Goodness It's Friday.' Get it, duuhhh?"
The man answered, " 'S-H-I-T' means 'Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday
Scots:
Scotty, thought you might appreciate this!!!.
Do you know why the Scots wear kilts? Because the sound of zippers startles the sheep.
Scotty, thought you might appreciate this!!!.
Do you know why the Scots wear kilts? Because the sound of zippers startles the sheep.
I love these. Keep em coming.
Learn Chinese in 5 Minutes - read these outloud
(English Phrase) I think you need a facelift
(Chinese Phrase) Chin Tu Fat
(English Phrase) Are you hiding a fugitive?
(Chinese Phrase) Hu Yu Hai Ding?
See me A.S.A.P.
Kum Hia Nao
Stupid Man
Dum Gai
Small Horse
Tai Ni Po Ni
Did you go to the beach?
Wai Yu So Tan?
I bumped into a coffee table
Ai Bang Mai Ni
It's very dark in here
Wai So Dim
This is a tow away zone
No Pah King
You are not very bright
Yu So Dum
I got this for free
Ai No Pei
I am not guilty!
Wai Hang Mi?
Please stay a while longer
Wai Go Nao?
They have arrived
Hai Dei Kum.
Stay out of sight
Lei Lo
He's cleaning his automobile
Wa Sing Ka.
Your body odor is offensive
Yu Stin Ki
I thought you were on a diet?
Wai Yu Mun Ching?
(English Phrase) I think you need a facelift
(Chinese Phrase) Chin Tu Fat
(English Phrase) Are you hiding a fugitive?
(Chinese Phrase) Hu Yu Hai Ding?
See me A.S.A.P.
Kum Hia Nao
Stupid Man
Dum Gai
Small Horse
Tai Ni Po Ni
Did you go to the beach?
Wai Yu So Tan?
I bumped into a coffee table
Ai Bang Mai Ni
It's very dark in here
Wai So Dim
This is a tow away zone
No Pah King
You are not very bright
Yu So Dum
I got this for free
Ai No Pei
I am not guilty!
Wai Hang Mi?
Please stay a while longer
Wai Go Nao?
They have arrived
Hai Dei Kum.
Stay out of sight
Lei Lo
He's cleaning his automobile
Wa Sing Ka.
Your body odor is offensive
Yu Stin Ki
I thought you were on a diet?
Wai Yu Mun Ching?
Welfare Check
Guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check. He marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."
The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, and he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips and you will have to satisfy her sexual urges. You'll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. '
"The salary is $200,000 a year."
The guy, wide-eyed, said, "You're bullsh*ttin' me!"
The social worker said, "Yeah, well . . . you started it."
Guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check. He marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."
The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, and he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips and you will have to satisfy her sexual urges. You'll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. '
"The salary is $200,000 a year."
The guy, wide-eyed, said, "You're bullsh*ttin' me!"
The social worker said, "Yeah, well . . . you started it."
| QUOTE (Redstripe @ Aug 31 2007, 09:09 PM) |
| Learn Chinese in 5 Minutes - read these outloud (English Phrase) I think you need a facelift (Chinese Phrase) Chin Tu Fat (English Phrase) Are you hiding a fugitive? (Chinese Phrase) Hu Yu Hai Ding? See me A.S.A.P. Kum Hia Nao Stupid Man Dum Gai Small Horse Tai Ni Po Ni Did you go to the beach? Wai Yu So Tan? I bumped into a coffee table Ai Bang Mai Ni It's very dark in here Wai So Dim This is a tow away zone No Pah King You are not very bright Yu So Dum I got this for free Ai No Pei I am not guilty! Wai Hang Mi? Please stay a while longer Wai Go Nao? They have arrived Hai Dei Kum. Stay out of sight Lei Lo He's cleaning his automobile Wa Sing Ka. Your body odor is offensive Yu Stin Ki I thought you were on a diet? Wai Yu Mun Ching? |
Fifteen reasons why men have 2 dogs and not 2 wives or should I say why a woman has 3 or more dogs and not 2 husbands:
1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.
2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.
4. A dog's parents never visit.
5. Dog s agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
6. Dogs like to do their snooping outside rather than in you r wallet or desk.
7. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready t o go 24 hours a day.
8. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.
9. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.
10. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, 'If I died, would you get another dog?'
11. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.
12. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.
13. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting.
14. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.
And last, but not least:
15. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff
1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.
2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.
4. A dog's parents never visit.
5. Dog s agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
6. Dogs like to do their snooping outside rather than in you r wallet or desk.
7. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready t o go 24 hours a day.
8. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.
9. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.
10. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, 'If I died, would you get another dog?'
11. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.
12. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.
13. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting.
14. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.
And last, but not least:
15. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff
Haircut
A young boy had just gotten his Driver's permit and asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said he'd make a deal with his son. "You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, get your hair cut and we'll talk about the car."
The boy thought about that for a moment, then decided he'd settle for the offer and they agreed on it. After about six weeks his father said, "Son, I've been real proud. You brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm real disappointed you didn't get your hair cut."
The young man paused a moment then said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I noticed in my studying the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair, and there's even a strong argument that Jesus had long hair."
To this his father quietly replied, "Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?"
A young boy had just gotten his Driver's permit and asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said he'd make a deal with his son. "You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, get your hair cut and we'll talk about the car."
The boy thought about that for a moment, then decided he'd settle for the offer and they agreed on it. After about six weeks his father said, "Son, I've been real proud. You brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm real disappointed you didn't get your hair cut."
The young man paused a moment then said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I noticed in my studying the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair, and there's even a strong argument that Jesus had long hair."
To this his father quietly replied, "Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?"
SUMMARY OF MY LAST YEAR ON THE COMPUTER:
I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the email about rat poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every envelope that needs sealing.
Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.
I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl
(Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the
1,387,258th time.
I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.
I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.
I no longer eat KFC because their chicke ns are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.
I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.
Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.
I no longer can buy gasoline without taking a man along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.
I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put 'Under God' on their cans.
I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.
And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup water in the microwave anymore b ecause it will blow up in my Face... disfiguring me for life.
I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.
I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
I no longer receive packages from UPS or Fed Ex since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.
I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army.
I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore , and Uzbekistan
I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change once I receive my free replacement pair from Nike.
I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.
Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.
Thank you too for all the endless advice Andy Rooney has given us. I can live a better life now because he's told us how to fix everything
And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 I dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.
Oh, and don't forget this one either!
I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas companies!
If you don't send this e-mail to at least 47,000 people in the next 47 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:47 PM this afternoon and the fleas from 47 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's Cousin's beautician...
Have a wonderful day.... AND
A scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain and sexual activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.
Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late...
Have a great week!
I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the email about rat poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every envelope that needs sealing.
Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.
I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl
(Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the
1,387,258th time.
I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.
I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.
I no longer eat KFC because their chicke ns are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.
I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.
Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.
I no longer can buy gasoline without taking a man along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.
I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put 'Under God' on their cans.
I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.
And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup water in the microwave anymore b ecause it will blow up in my Face... disfiguring me for life.
I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.
I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
I no longer receive packages from UPS or Fed Ex since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.
I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army.
I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore , and Uzbekistan
I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change once I receive my free replacement pair from Nike.
I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.
Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.
Thank you too for all the endless advice Andy Rooney has given us. I can live a better life now because he's told us how to fix everything
And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 I dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.
Oh, and don't forget this one either!
I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas companies!
If you don't send this e-mail to at least 47,000 people in the next 47 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:47 PM this afternoon and the fleas from 47 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's Cousin's beautician...
Have a wonderful day.... AND
A scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain and sexual activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.
Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late...
Have a great week!
good one!
Pittsburgh Friends versus Other Friends
#1
OTHER FRIENDS..................... Never ask for food.
PITTSBURGH FRIENDS............ Are the reason you have no food.
#2
OTHER FRIENDS..................... Bring a bottle of wine to your par ty.
PITTSBURGH FRIENDS............ Bring enough for everybody, help make the food, then stay to clean up and sleep it off afterwards.
#3
OTHER FRIENDS..................... Will come to your house warming party.
PITTSBURGH FRIENDS............ Will help you move in and move out and party
both times.
#4
OTHER FRIENDS..................... Call your parents Mr. and Mrs.
PITTSBURGH FRIENDS............ Call your parents Mom and Dad.
#5
OTHER FRIENDS..................... Have never seen you cry.
PITTSBURGH FRIENDS............ Either make you cry or will cry with you.
#6
OTHER FRIENDS..................... Borrow your stuff for a few days then give it back.
PITTSBURGH FRIENDS............ Keep your stuff so long they forget it's yours, but are willing to loan it back to you anytime.
#7
OTHER FRIENDS..................... Know a few things about you.
PITTSBURGH FRIENDS............ Could write a book with direct quotes from you.
#8
OTHER FRIENDS..................... Will leave you behind if that's what the crowd is doing.
PITTSBURGH FRIENDS............ Will kick the butts of the whole crowd who left you.
#9
OTHER FRIENDS..................... Would knock on your door
PITTSBURGH FRIENDS............ Walk right in and say, "I'm home!"
#10
OTHER FRIENDS..................... Will watch sports with you.
PITTSBURGH FRIENDS............ Will take off of work to drive to a Steeler away game with you.
#11
OTHER FRIENDS..................... Will talk crap with people who talk crap about you.
PITTSBURGH FRIENDS............ Will knock the crap out of them!
#12
OTHER FRIENDS..................... Are for a while.
PITTSBURGH FRIENDS............ Are for life.
#13
OTHER FRIENDS..................... Will ignore this.
PITTSBURGH FRIENDS.. .......... Will send it on to more Pittsburgh friends.
Just change it and put you city in
#1
OTHER FRIENDS..................... Never ask for food.
PITTSBURGH FRIENDS............ Are the reason you have no food.
#2
OTHER FRIENDS..................... Bring a bottle of wine to your par ty.
PITTSBURGH FRIENDS............ Bring enough for everybody, help make the food, then stay to clean up and sleep it off afterwards.
#3
OTHER FRIENDS..................... Will come to your house warming party.
PITTSBURGH FRIENDS............ Will help you move in and move out and party
both times.
#4
OTHER FRIENDS..................... Call your parents Mr. and Mrs.
PITTSBURGH FRIENDS............ Call your parents Mom and Dad.
#5
OTHER FRIENDS..................... Have never seen you cry.
PITTSBURGH FRIENDS............ Either make you cry or will cry with you.
#6
OTHER FRIENDS..................... Borrow your stuff for a few days then give it back.
PITTSBURGH FRIENDS............ Keep your stuff so long they forget it's yours, but are willing to loan it back to you anytime.
#7
OTHER FRIENDS..................... Know a few things about you.
PITTSBURGH FRIENDS............ Could write a book with direct quotes from you.
#8
OTHER FRIENDS..................... Will leave you behind if that's what the crowd is doing.
PITTSBURGH FRIENDS............ Will kick the butts of the whole crowd who left you.
#9
OTHER FRIENDS..................... Would knock on your door
PITTSBURGH FRIENDS............ Walk right in and say, "I'm home!"
#10
OTHER FRIENDS..................... Will watch sports with you.
PITTSBURGH FRIENDS............ Will take off of work to drive to a Steeler away game with you.
#11
OTHER FRIENDS..................... Will talk crap with people who talk crap about you.
PITTSBURGH FRIENDS............ Will knock the crap out of them!
#12
OTHER FRIENDS..................... Are for a while.
PITTSBURGH FRIENDS............ Are for life.
#13
OTHER FRIENDS..................... Will ignore this.
PITTSBURGH FRIENDS.. .......... Will send it on to more Pittsburgh friends.
Just change it and put you city in
Bill and Sam
Two elderly friends, Bill and Sam, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.
One day Bill didn't show up. Sam didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something. But after Bill hadn't shown up for a week or so, Sam really got worried. However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Sam didn't know where Bill lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.
A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Bill, but one day, Sam approached the park and -- lo and behold! --there sat Bill! Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then he said, "For crying out loud Bill, what in the world happened to you?"
Bill replied, "I have been in jail."
"Jail?" cried Sam. "What in the world for?"
"Well," Bill said, "you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometimes go?"
"Yeah," said Sam, "I remember her. What about her?"
"Well, one day she filed rape charges against me; and, at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded guilty.
The judge gave me 30 days for perjury.
Two elderly friends, Bill and Sam, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.
One day Bill didn't show up. Sam didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something. But after Bill hadn't shown up for a week or so, Sam really got worried. However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Sam didn't know where Bill lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.
A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Bill, but one day, Sam approached the park and -- lo and behold! --there sat Bill! Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then he said, "For crying out loud Bill, what in the world happened to you?"
Bill replied, "I have been in jail."
"Jail?" cried Sam. "What in the world for?"
"Well," Bill said, "you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometimes go?"
"Yeah," said Sam, "I remember her. What about her?"
"Well, one day she filed rape charges against me; and, at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded guilty.
The judge gave me 30 days for perjury.
If this joke is "too much" i'm sorry D2P can delete it
A guy goes into a drugstore to buy condoms.
"What size?" asks the clerk.
"Gee, I don't know."
"Go see Sophie in aisle 4." He goes over to see Sophie, who grabs him in the crotch,
and yells, "Medium!" The guy is mortified! He hurries over to pay and leaves quickly.
Another guy comes in to buy condoms, and gets sent to Sophie in aisle 4. Sophie grabs
him and yells, "Large!" The guy struts over to the register, pays, and leaves.
A high school kid comes in to buy condoms.
"What size?" The kid embarassedly says "I've never done this before. I don't know what
size." The clerk sends him over to Sophie in aisle 4. She grabs him and yells "Clean up
in aisle 4!
A guy goes into a drugstore to buy condoms.
"What size?" asks the clerk.
"Gee, I don't know."
"Go see Sophie in aisle 4." He goes over to see Sophie, who grabs him in the crotch,
and yells, "Medium!" The guy is mortified! He hurries over to pay and leaves quickly.
Another guy comes in to buy condoms, and gets sent to Sophie in aisle 4. Sophie grabs
him and yells, "Large!" The guy struts over to the register, pays, and leaves.
A high school kid comes in to buy condoms.
"What size?" The kid embarassedly says "I've never done this before. I don't know what
size." The clerk sends him over to Sophie in aisle 4. She grabs him and yells "Clean up
in aisle 4!
HUSBAND STORE
A store that sells new husbands has just opened on 5th Ave in New York City where women can go to choose a husband.
As you enter the store there is a list of instructions of how the store operates.
You may visit the store ONLY ONCE!!! There are 6 floors to the store and the attributes of the men increase as you ascend the flights.
There is however, a catch: you may choose any man from a particular floor but once you choose to go up to the next floor you can't go down except to exit the building.
So a woman goes into the husband store to find a husband.
On the 1st floor a sign reads:
Floor 1 --- these men have jobs.
She ascends to the 2nd floor where a sign reads:
Floor 2 --- these men have jobs and love kids.
She ascends further to the 3rd floor where a sign reads:
Floor 3 --- these men have jobs, love kids and are extremely good looking.
"Wow" she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
On the 4th floor a sign reads:
Floor 4 --- these men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking and help with the housework.
"Oh mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"
Still she goes to the 5th floor and a sign reads:
Floor 5 --- these men have jobs, love kids, are drop dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but goes on the 6th floor and a sign reads:
You are visitor number 31,456,012 to the floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists only to prove that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the husband store.
***************************************************************************************************
MEANWHILE A "WIFE'S STORE" OPENS ACROSS THE STREET
The 1st floor has wives that enjoy sex
The 2nd floor has wives who enjoy sex and have money.
The 3rd thru 6th floors have never been visited.
A store that sells new husbands has just opened on 5th Ave in New York City where women can go to choose a husband.
As you enter the store there is a list of instructions of how the store operates.
You may visit the store ONLY ONCE!!! There are 6 floors to the store and the attributes of the men increase as you ascend the flights.
There is however, a catch: you may choose any man from a particular floor but once you choose to go up to the next floor you can't go down except to exit the building.
So a woman goes into the husband store to find a husband.
On the 1st floor a sign reads:
Floor 1 --- these men have jobs.
She ascends to the 2nd floor where a sign reads:
Floor 2 --- these men have jobs and love kids.
She ascends further to the 3rd floor where a sign reads:
Floor 3 --- these men have jobs, love kids and are extremely good looking.
"Wow" she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
On the 4th floor a sign reads:
Floor 4 --- these men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking and help with the housework.
"Oh mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"
Still she goes to the 5th floor and a sign reads:
Floor 5 --- these men have jobs, love kids, are drop dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but goes on the 6th floor and a sign reads:
You are visitor number 31,456,012 to the floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists only to prove that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the husband store.
***************************************************************************************************
MEANWHILE A "WIFE'S STORE" OPENS ACROSS THE STREET
The 1st floor has wives that enjoy sex
The 2nd floor has wives who enjoy sex and have money.
The 3rd thru 6th floors have never been visited.
Glad you like Liz
yup I liked it ! ( I love to laugh !)
Marrooned
A retired school teacher, now a widower, decided to take a vacation. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank. He found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.
After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore. In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"
She replies, "I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed here when my cruise ship sank."
"Amazing," he notes. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you."
"Oh, this thing?" explains the woman. "I made the boat out of raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and stern came from an Eucalyptus tree."
"But, where did you get the tools?"
"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware." The guy is stunned.
"Let's row over to my place," she says.
After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down, please. Would you like a drink?"
"No! No thank you," he blurts out, still dazed. "I can't take another drop of coconut juice." "It's not coconut juice," winks the woman. "I have a still. How would you like a Pina Colada?"
Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the bathroom cabinet."
No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism. "This woman is amazing," he muses. What next?"
When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines, strategically placed on her body and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down next to her. "Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've been out here for many months. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for?" She stares into his eyes.
He can't believe what he's hearing. "You mean.. " he swallows excitedly and tears start to form in his eyes. "Don't tell me you've built a golf course"!
A retired school teacher, now a widower, decided to take a vacation. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank. He found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.
After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore. In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"
She replies, "I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed here when my cruise ship sank."
"Amazing," he notes. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you."
"Oh, this thing?" explains the woman. "I made the boat out of raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and stern came from an Eucalyptus tree."
"But, where did you get the tools?"
"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware." The guy is stunned.
"Let's row over to my place," she says.
After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down, please. Would you like a drink?"
"No! No thank you," he blurts out, still dazed. "I can't take another drop of coconut juice." "It's not coconut juice," winks the woman. "I have a still. How would you like a Pina Colada?"
Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the bathroom cabinet."
No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism. "This woman is amazing," he muses. What next?"
When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines, strategically placed on her body and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down next to her. "Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've been out here for many months. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for?" She stares into his eyes.
He can't believe what he's hearing. "You mean.. " he swallows excitedly and tears start to form in his eyes. "Don't tell me you've built a golf course"!
little old Lady is walking around in a supermarket calling out, "Crisco, Crisssssssco! "
Soon an assistant manager approach es and says, "Maam, the Crisco is in aisle 3."
The old Lady replies, "Oh, I'm not looking for the cooking stuff. I'm calling my Husband. He's in here somewhere"
The clerk is astonished. "Your Husband's name is Crisco?"
The old Lady answers, "Oh no, no, no. I only call him that when we're out in public."
"I see," said the clerk. "What do you call him at home?"
"Lard ass.."
Soon an assistant manager approach es and says, "Maam, the Crisco is in aisle 3."
The old Lady replies, "Oh, I'm not looking for the cooking stuff. I'm calling my Husband. He's in here somewhere"
The clerk is astonished. "Your Husband's name is Crisco?"
The old Lady answers, "Oh no, no, no. I only call him that when we're out in public."
"I see," said the clerk. "What do you call him at home?"
"Lard ass.."
Grandparents and Grandchildren
#####
She was in the bathroom, putting on her makeup, under
the watchful eyes of her young granddaughter as she'd
done many times before.
After she applied her lipstick and started to leave,
the little one said, "But Gramma, you forgot to kiss
the toilet paper good-bye!"
#####
My young grandson called the other day to wish me
Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and
I told him, "62." He was quiet for a moment, and then
he asked, "Did you start at 1?"
#####
After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother
changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded
to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and
more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. Finally, she threw
a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed
with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the
three-year-old say with a trembling voice, "Who was THAT?"
#####
A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter
what her own childhood was like: "We used to skate
outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire;
it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony.
We picked wild raspberries in the woods. "The little
girl was wide-eyed, taking this all in. At last she
said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"
#####
My grandson was visiting one day when he asked,
"Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?
" I mentally polished my halo while I asked,
"No, how are we alike?"
"You're both old," he replied.
#####
A little girl was diligently pounding away on her
grandfather's word processor. She told him she
was writing a story. "What's it about?" he asked.
"I don't know," she replied. "I can't read."
#####
I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her
colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point
out something and ask what color it was. She would
tell me and was always correct. It was fun for me,
so I continued. At last she headed for the door,
saying sagely, "Grandma, I think you should try to
figure out some of these yourself!"
#####
When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation
cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to
keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies
followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered,
"It's no use, Grandpa. The mosquitoes are coming after us
with flashlights."
#####
When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly
replied, "I'm not sure." "Look in your underwear, Grandpa," he
advised. "mine says I'm four to six."
#####
A second grader came home from school and said to her
grandmother, "Grandma, guess what? We learned how to
make babies today." The grandmother, more than a little surprised,
tried to keep her cool. "That's interesting," she said, "how do you
make babies?" "It's simple," replied the girl. "You just
change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'."
#####
Children's Logic: "Give me a sentence about a public
servant," said a teacher. The small boy wrote:
"The fireman came down the ladder pregnant.
" The teacher took the lad aside to correct
him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?
" she asked. "Sure," said the young boy
confidently. "It means carrying a child."
#####
A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids
home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front
seat of the truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started
discussing the dog's duties.
"They use him to keep crowds back," said one child.
"No," said another, "he's just for good luck."
A third child brought the argument to a close. "They
use the dogs, "she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrants...
#####
#####
She was in the bathroom, putting on her makeup, under
the watchful eyes of her young granddaughter as she'd
done many times before.
After she applied her lipstick and started to leave,
the little one said, "But Gramma, you forgot to kiss
the toilet paper good-bye!"
#####
My young grandson called the other day to wish me
Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and
I told him, "62." He was quiet for a moment, and then
he asked, "Did you start at 1?"
#####
After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother
changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded
to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and
more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. Finally, she threw
a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed
with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the
three-year-old say with a trembling voice, "Who was THAT?"
#####
A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter
what her own childhood was like: "We used to skate
outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire;
it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony.
We picked wild raspberries in the woods. "The little
girl was wide-eyed, taking this all in. At last she
said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"
#####
My grandson was visiting one day when he asked,
"Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?
" I mentally polished my halo while I asked,
"No, how are we alike?"
"You're both old," he replied.
#####
A little girl was diligently pounding away on her
grandfather's word processor. She told him she
was writing a story. "What's it about?" he asked.
"I don't know," she replied. "I can't read."
#####
I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her
colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point
out something and ask what color it was. She would
tell me and was always correct. It was fun for me,
so I continued. At last she headed for the door,
saying sagely, "Grandma, I think you should try to
figure out some of these yourself!"
#####
When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation
cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to
keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies
followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered,
"It's no use, Grandpa. The mosquitoes are coming after us
with flashlights."
#####
When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly
replied, "I'm not sure." "Look in your underwear, Grandpa," he
advised. "mine says I'm four to six."
#####
A second grader came home from school and said to her
grandmother, "Grandma, guess what? We learned how to
make babies today." The grandmother, more than a little surprised,
tried to keep her cool. "That's interesting," she said, "how do you
make babies?" "It's simple," replied the girl. "You just
change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'."
#####
Children's Logic: "Give me a sentence about a public
servant," said a teacher. The small boy wrote:
"The fireman came down the ladder pregnant.
" The teacher took the lad aside to correct
him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?
" she asked. "Sure," said the young boy
confidently. "It means carrying a child."
#####
A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids
home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front
seat of the truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started
discussing the dog's duties.
"They use him to keep crowds back," said one child.
"No," said another, "he's just for good luck."
A third child brought the argument to a close. "They
use the dogs, "she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrants...
#####
Subject: Two different clinics
Two patients limp into two different
medical clinics with the same complaint. Both have trouble
walking and appear to require a hip replacement.
The FIRST patient is examined within the hour,
is x-rayed the same day and has a
time booked for surgery the following week.
The SECOND sees his family doctor after waiting 3 weeks
for an appointment, then waits weeks to see a specialist
then gets an x-ray, which isn't reviewed for another week
and finally has his surgery scheduled for a month from then
Why the different treatment for the two patients?
The FIRST is a Golden Retriever.
The SECOND is a Senior Citizen.
Next time take me to a vet .
Two patients limp into two different
medical clinics with the same complaint. Both have trouble
walking and appear to require a hip replacement.
The FIRST patient is examined within the hour,
is x-rayed the same day and has a
time booked for surgery the following week.
The SECOND sees his family doctor after waiting 3 weeks
for an appointment, then waits weeks to see a specialist
then gets an x-ray, which isn't reviewed for another week
and finally has his surgery scheduled for a month from then
Why the different treatment for the two patients?
The FIRST is a Golden Retriever.
The SECOND is a Senior Citizen.
Next time take me to a vet .
that's cute!
Toward the end of the service, the minister asked, "how many of you
have forgiven your enemies?" 80% held up their hands. The minister then
repeated his question. All responded this time, except one small
elderly lady."Mrs.... Keene?" "Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?""I
don't have any." she replied, smiling sweetly. "Mrs Keene, that is very
unusual.
How old are you?""98." she replied. "Oh Mrs. Keene, would you please
come down in front and tell us all how a person can live 98 years and
not have an enemy in the world?" The little sweetheart of a lady
tottered down the aisel, faced the congregation, and said: "I outlived
the bitches."
| QUOTE (Redstripe @ Sep 12 2007, 07:24 PM) |
| that's cute! |
How true that is Hannah!!!
THE GOOD NAPKINS
My mother taught me to read when I was four years old (her first
mistake).? One day, I was in the bathroom and noticed one of the
cabinet doors was ajar.
I read the box in the cabinet. I then asked my mother why she was
keeping 'napkins' in the bathroom. Didn't they belong in the kitchen?
Not wanting to burden me with unnecessary facts, she told me that
those were for "special occasions" (her second mistake).
Now fast forward a few months....It's Thanksgiving Day, and my folks
are leaving to pick up my uncle and his wife for dinner. Mom had
assignments for all of us while they were gone.
Mine was to set the table.
When they returned, my uncle came in first and immediately burst
into laughter. Next came his wife who gasped, then began giggling. Next
came my father, who roared with laughter.
Then came Mom, who almost died of embarrassment when she saw each
place setting on the table with a "special occasion" Kotex napkin at each
plate, with the fork carefully arranged on top. I had even tucked
the little tail in so they didn't hang off the edge!!
My mother asked me why I used these and, of course, my response sent
the other adults into further fits of laughter. "But, Mom, you said they were
for special occasions!!!"
Pass this on to your girlfriends who need a good laugh or anyone who
has a daughter!
Life is too short for drama & petty things, so kiss slowly, laugh
insanely, love truly and forgive quickly.
The population of the USA is 300 million.
160 million are retired.
That leaves 140 million to do the work.
There are 85 million in school.
Which leaves 55 million to do the work.
Of this there are 35 million employed by the federal government.
Leaving 15 million to do the work.
2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with killing Osama Bin-Laden.
Which leaves 12.2 million to do the work.
Take from that total the 10.8 million people who work for state and city governments.
And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.
At any given time there are 188, 000 people in hospitals.
Leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.
Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.
That leaves just two people to do the work.
You and me.
And there you are,
sitting on your ass,
at your computer, reading jokes.
Nice... Real nice !!
160 million are retired.
That leaves 140 million to do the work.
There are 85 million in school.
Which leaves 55 million to do the work.
Of this there are 35 million employed by the federal government.
Leaving 15 million to do the work.
2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with killing Osama Bin-Laden.
Which leaves 12.2 million to do the work.
Take from that total the 10.8 million people who work for state and city governments.
And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.
At any given time there are 188, 000 people in hospitals.
Leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.
Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.
That leaves just two people to do the work.
You and me.
And there you are,
sitting on your ass,
at your computer, reading jokes.
Nice... Real nice !!
Shortly after the Pope had apologized to the Jewish People for the treatment of Jews by the Catholic Church over the years, Ariel Sharon, the Prime Minister of Israel, sent a proposal to the College of Cardinals for a friendly game of golf, to be played between the two leaders or their representatives to demonstrate the friendship and ecumenical spirit shared by the Catholics and the Jews.
The Pope then met with his College of Cardinals to discuss the proposal.
"Your Holiness," said one of the Cardinals, "Mr. Sharon wants to challenge you to a game of golf to show that you are old and unable to compete. I am afraid that this would tarnish our image in the world"
The Pope thought about this and, since he had never held a golf club in his life, asked, "Don't we have a Cardinal to represent me?"
"None who plays golf very well," a Cardinal replied. "But," he added, "there is a man named Jack Nicklaus, an American golfer, who is a devout Catholic. We can offer to make him a Cardinal and then ask him to play Mr. Sharo n as your personal representative. In addition to showing our spirit of cooperation, we shall also win the match."
Everyone agreed that this was a great idea. The call was made. Of course, Nicklaus was honored, and he agreed to play as a representative of the Pope.
The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of the result. "This is Cardinal Nicklaus. I have some good news and some bad news, Holiness," said the golfer.
"Tell me the good news, Cardinal Nicklaus," said the Pope.
"Well, Your Holiness, I don't like to brag, but even though I have played some pretty terrific rounds of golf in my life, this was the best I have ever played, by far. I must have been inspired from above. My drives were long and true, my irons were accurate and purposeful, and my putting was perfect. With all due respect, my play was truly miraculous."
"How can there be bad news?" the Pope asked.
Nicklaus sighed, "I lost by three strokes to Rabbi Tiger Woods."
These are great.
Dear Tide:
I am writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've
used it all of my married life, as my Mom always told me it
was the best. Now that I am in my fifties I find it even
better! In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red
wine on my new white blouse. My inconsiderate and my
uncaring husband started to belittle me about how clumsy
I was, and generally started becoming a pain in the neck.
One thing led to another and somehow I ended up with his
blood on my new white blouse! I grabbed my bottle of
Tide with bleach alternative, to my surprise and satisfaction,
all of the stains came out! In fact, the stains came out so
well the detectives who came by yesterday told me that the
DNA tests on my blouse were negative and then my attorney
called and said that I was no longer considered a suspect
in the disappearance of my husband. What a relief! Going
through menopause is bad enough without being a murder
suspect! I thank you, once again, for having a great product.
Well, gotta go, have to write to the Hefty bag people
I am writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've
used it all of my married life, as my Mom always told me it
was the best. Now that I am in my fifties I find it even
better! In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red
wine on my new white blouse. My inconsiderate and my
uncaring husband started to belittle me about how clumsy
I was, and generally started becoming a pain in the neck.
One thing led to another and somehow I ended up with his
blood on my new white blouse! I grabbed my bottle of
Tide with bleach alternative, to my surprise and satisfaction,
all of the stains came out! In fact, the stains came out so
well the detectives who came by yesterday told me that the
DNA tests on my blouse were negative and then my attorney
called and said that I was no longer considered a suspect
in the disappearance of my husband. What a relief! Going
through menopause is bad enough without being a murder
suspect! I thank you, once again, for having a great product.
Well, gotta go, have to write to the Hefty bag people
poor thing! but funny!
| QUOTE (Beryl @ Sep 17 2007, 01:10 PM) |
| |
Sounds very true.
Yes you are right d2p
(a lil' out of "season" seeing that summer is over... but still....)
After months of cold and rainy weather, we are finally coming up to summer and BBQ season.
Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity, as it's the only type of cooking a 'real' man will do, probably because there is an element of danger involved.
When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:
Routine...
(1) The woman buys the food.
(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.
(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.
Here comes the important part:
(4) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.
More routine....
(5) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.
(6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning.
He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he deals with the situation.
Important again:
(7) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.
More routine....
(8) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.
(9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
And most important of all:
10) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.
(11) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off."
And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women....
After months of cold and rainy weather, we are finally coming up to summer and BBQ season.
Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity, as it's the only type of cooking a 'real' man will do, probably because there is an element of danger involved.
When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:
Routine...
(1) The woman buys the food.
(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.
(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.
Here comes the important part:
(4) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.
More routine....
(5) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.
(6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning.
He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he deals with the situation.
Important again:
(7) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.
More routine....
(8) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.
(9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
And most important of all:
10) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.
(11) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off."
And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women....
A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide." The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?" The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."
Two young boys walk into a pharmacy one day, pick out a box of Tampax and proceed to the checkout counter. The man at the counter asks the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"
"Eight," the boy replies.
The man continues, "Do you know what these are used for?"
"Not exactly," the boy says. "But they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now he can't do either one."
"Eight," the boy replies.
The man continues, "Do you know what these are used for?"
"Not exactly," the boy says. "But they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now he can't do either one."
WIMPY DADS.....
Two kids are arguing over whose father is the biggest scaredy-cat.
The first kid says, "My dad is so scared that when lightning strikes, he
hides underneath the bed."
The second kid replies, "Yeah? Well, that's nothing. My dad is so scared that when my mom has to work the nightshift, he sleeps with the lady next door."
Two kids are arguing over whose father is the biggest scaredy-cat.
The first kid says, "My dad is so scared that when lightning strikes, he
hides underneath the bed."
The second kid replies, "Yeah? Well, that's nothing. My dad is so scared that when my mom has to work the nightshift, he sleeps with the lady next door."
Just received this from Missy & Duke's Mom
Dear Diary,
For my 60th birthday this year, my daughter Rachel (the dear) purchased a
week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am
still in great shape since being a high school football cheerleader 43
years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.
I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named
Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and
model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My daughter seemed pleased with
my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to
chart my progress.
MONDAY :
Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well
worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me.
She is something of a Greek goddess - with blond hair, dancing eyes and a
dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!! Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the
machines. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her
aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring! Belinda was
encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from
holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a
FANTASTIC week-!!
TUESDAY :
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Belinda
made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air - then she
put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I
made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I
feel GREAT-!! It's a whole new life for me.
WEDNESDAY :
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the
counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a
hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer
or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.
Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other
club members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and
when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My
chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair
'monster'. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an
activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me
get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other sh*t too.
THURSDAY :
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin,
cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half
an hour late - it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda took me to
work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the
restroom. She sent another skinny b*tch to find me. Then, as punishment,
she put me on the rowing machine - which I sank.
FRIDAY :
I hate that b*tch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any
other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic,
anorexic little cheerleader! If there was a part of my body I could move
without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it.
Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if
you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the Damn barbells or
anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I
landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone
softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?
SATURDAY :
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly
voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me want
to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to
even use the TV remote and ended up catching 11 straight hours of the
Weather Channel.
SUNDAY :
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and
thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my
daughter Rachel (the little sh*t) will choose a gift for me that is fun -
like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to
bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!
Dear Diary,
For my 60th birthday this year, my daughter Rachel (the dear) purchased a
week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am
still in great shape since being a high school football cheerleader 43
years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.
I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named
Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and
model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My daughter seemed pleased with
my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to
chart my progress.
MONDAY :
Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well
worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me.
She is something of a Greek goddess - with blond hair, dancing eyes and a
dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!! Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the
machines. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her
aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring! Belinda was
encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from
holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a
FANTASTIC week-!!
TUESDAY :
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Belinda
made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air - then she
put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I
made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I
feel GREAT-!! It's a whole new life for me.
WEDNESDAY :
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the
counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a
hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer
or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.
Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other
club members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and
when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My
chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair
'monster'. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an
activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me
get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other sh*t too.
THURSDAY :
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin,
cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half
an hour late - it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda took me to
work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the
restroom. She sent another skinny b*tch to find me. Then, as punishment,
she put me on the rowing machine - which I sank.
FRIDAY :
I hate that b*tch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any
other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic,
anorexic little cheerleader! If there was a part of my body I could move
without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it.
Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if
you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the Damn barbells or
anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I
landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone
softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?
SATURDAY :
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly
voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me want
to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to
even use the TV remote and ended up catching 11 straight hours of the
Weather Channel.
SUNDAY :
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and
thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my
daughter Rachel (the little sh*t) will choose a gift for me that is fun -
like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to
bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!
Humm!
A nurse walks into a bank. Preparing to write a check, she pulls a
rectal thermometer out of her purse and tries to write with it. She
looks at the flabbergasted teller and without missing a beat says......
"Well, that's great..........that's really great.......... Some
a- -hole's got my pen."
A nurse walks into a bank. Preparing to write a check, she pulls a
rectal thermometer out of her purse and tries to write with it. She
looks at the flabbergasted teller and without missing a beat says......
"Well, that's great..........that's really great.......... Some
a- -hole's got my pen."
A stranger was seated next to a little girl on an airplane when he turned to her and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, "What would you like to talk about?" Oh, I don't know", said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?"
"OK," she said.. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?" The stranger thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea,"
To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"
The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, "What would you like to talk about?" Oh, I don't know", said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?"
"OK," she said.. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?" The stranger thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea,"
To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"
New Rule:
Stop giving me that pop-up ad for Classmate. Com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. It's because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.
New Rule:
Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout? Luckily, it was only a finger! If it was a whole hand, Congress would have voted to keep it alive.
New Rule:
Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: Lucky Bastards!
New Rule:
If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're gay. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.
New Rule:
Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.
New Rule:
There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink you want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.
New Rule:
Stop ****ing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his *** will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.
New Rule:
The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the ******* .If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge *******.
New Rule:
I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy. Paper, plastic? I don't have time for that. I've just been called to do a cleanup on Aisle Nine!
New Rule:
Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ***. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.
New Rule:
Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."
New Rule:
I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.
New Rule:
If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.
New Rule:
No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking up the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.
New Rule:
And this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your web cam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.
New Rule:
When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months."27 Months." "He's two", will do just fine. He's not a cheese and I didn't care in the first place.
Stop giving me that pop-up ad for Classmate. Com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. It's because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.
New Rule:
Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout? Luckily, it was only a finger! If it was a whole hand, Congress would have voted to keep it alive.
New Rule:
Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: Lucky Bastards!
New Rule:
If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're gay. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.
New Rule:
Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.
New Rule:
There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink you want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.
New Rule:
Stop ****ing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his *** will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.
New Rule:
The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the ******* .If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge *******.
New Rule:
I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy. Paper, plastic? I don't have time for that. I've just been called to do a cleanup on Aisle Nine!
New Rule:
Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ***. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.
New Rule:
Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."
New Rule:
I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.
New Rule:
If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.
New Rule:
No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking up the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.
New Rule:
And this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your web cam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.
New Rule:
When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months."27 Months." "He's two", will do just fine. He's not a cheese and I didn't care in the first place.
If you remember the Original Hollywood Squares and its comics, this may
bring a tear to your eyes. These great questions and answers are from
the
days when "Hollywood Squares" game show responses were spontaneous.
Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course.
Q. Do female frogs croak?
Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.
Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should
you
be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.
Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.
Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or
a
woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.
Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you
think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's
married?
A. Rose Marie: No; wait until morning.
Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.
Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I Love
You"?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.
Q. What are "Do It," "I Can Help," and "I Can't Get Enough"?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next
apartment.
Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your
hands
while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll
give
you a gesture you'll never forget.
Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to
get
any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.
Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.
Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist
camps.
One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.
Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.
Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.
Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a
goose
do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?
Q. If you were
pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.
Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into
the
habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.
Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.
Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his
head,
what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.
Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your
elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?
Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.
Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them
and
has
actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.
Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in
bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh.